Nude Woman Steals Cars, Probably Not Mormon

It seems odd that Utah keeps popping up on the weirdo radar when citizens are severely under-caffeinated and should be completely exhausted, especially with the multiple-wife deal.

This will eventually be a Lifetime movie starring Jennifer Love Hewitt.

The plot: A naked woman jumps into the front seat of a guy's car as he was putting up signs on the side of the road and proceeds to motor off. Righteously indignant, sign man springs into naked woman's abandoned wheels and gives chase, calling the po-lice as he goes into full Dukes of Hazzard mode.

Naked woman crashes and escapes on foot, soon to be surrounded by panting, Taser-happy cops, so she makes the right military decision. Attack!

She charges at the cops, who can't corral her because she's bloody and slippery from her aforementioned wipeout. Naked woman slithers past the fuzz and drops into a patrol car, speeding off with the Keystone Kops in full pursuit. Then Dukes, them Dukes!

Being a naked woman with no formal police training, she eventually crashes the cruiser, runs off, scales a barbed-wire fence, and scurries around before being encircled by cops and lit-up like fireworks by Tasers.

Authorities said there were no indications of drugs or alcohol. Maybe the clothing burned her flesh.

I can see Love Hewitt's saucy breasts bouncing as she hurtles down the road, demurely biting her lower lip as she powerslides around corners before running in slo-mo while the fuzz try to zap her bejeweled bajingo like she's a duck plinker game at the state fair. Win me a stuffed giraffe, Daddy!

I'm rooting for you, Jennifer, in your quest to pull off a bra-free Cannonball Run. You certainly have the ammunition.

Salt Lake Tribune